“My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me.” Jer. 8:18
That is the first verse that I read this morning in my devotion time, and I must say that it pretty much sums up how I feel today. It’s been an emotional week. It’s a struggle to keep my joy. Can’t sleep at night. Can’t turn off the “recording” in my mind that plays over and over and over. Replaying the last few days that Greg was here. It’s coming up on a year now….October 20. How can that be?? How can it seem like yesterday, but also like an eternity? It seems like yesterday because the feelings, the emotions, the memories are still so fresh, so painful, so raw, so real. But at the same time, every day without Greg feels like an eternity. Looking back on my blog posts from this time last year, we had no idea what was coming. We had no idea that when we left our house for Houston on October 15, 2013, that the kids and I would be coming home six days later without Greg. When we were getting ready to leave for the airport that night, we were planning to be back home in 2-3 days. Whenever we traveled to MD Anderson, Greg always took his computer so that he could continue to work. That night, he decided to leave his computer home saying, “We’re only going to be gone a couple of days, I think I’ll just leave my computer this time.” We had NO idea. We knew he was sick, but we had NO idea. He was supposed to be going out just to receive a treatment and then right back home. We had NO idea. We didn’t know.
But God knew. He was not taken by surprise. And He was with us every step of the way…He was with us. In the midst of heartache, and confusion, and desperation, and aloneness…..He was with us. He provided for us in so many ways those last few days in Houston. (I’ll try to share some of those in later posts) He made it abundantly clear that He was with us and that even though our lives were about to be completely changed…He NEVER changes. Yet, it is still hard. And there are still tears. And there is still sorrow. And there is still grief and mourning. But it’s okay, because He understands and He is with us. It’s okay, because He tells us that this is the way of life. There is a time for sadness and grief and sorrow and mourning.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I look back to a year ago and could never have imagined that I would be in this place today. A widow with three kids trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out how to keep going, even if I don’t feel like it. Trying to figure out what God’s purpose is in leaving me here without a husband and my children without a father. But, that’s just it, isn’t it? We can’t know what is coming next year, or next week, or even later today. That’s why we need to really know the One who does know these things. Our world, our situation, our circumstances are always changing. That’s why we have to hold fast to the One who NEVER changes. The One who is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the One that can help us through the things that we never saw coming. He is our Hope!
And although, I start my time in the Word with this verse: “My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me.” I end my time in the Word with this verse: “Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
I pray that you know the One who never changes, because you never know when YOUR world is going to change.
These pictures were taken in New Mexico in October 2012. One year before Greg’s death. We didn’t know.
Trusting His Plan,