It’s Not About Me……..Or Is It???

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The past couple of weeks have been hard for me, and I’ve found that my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. One minute I think I’m doing good and am feeling strong, the next minute I’d rather just stay in bed and sleep it all away. One minute I’m feeling joyful and laughing, the next minute I’m having to fight back tears. I struggle to “turn my brain off” at night so that I can sleep, and I wake up every morning to the reality of my “new” life. And now….Christmas is upon us. And the roller coaster of emotions continues.

I’ve always loved Christmas and spending time preparing for it. This year I’ve found myself dreading it at times. It’s just hard and it makes me really sad to think about celebrating Christmas without Greg here. I just feel so…….empty. It doesn’t seem fair; it doesn’t seem right. Why can’t he be here to go with us to pick out the Christmas tree? Why can’t he be here to put the lights on the tree (and complain about how much he hates doing it!)? Why can’t he be here to put the star on top of the tree? Why can’t he be here to shop for Jake’s Christmas gifts like he always did? Why do me and the kids have to make the decision whether or not to hang Dad’s stocking with all the others this year? Why can’t he be here on Christmas morning when we open our gifts? Why can’t he be here to enjoy time spent with family and friends? Why can’t he be here as we have our traditional Christmas morning breakfast? Why can’t he be here to argue with me about who will take pictures and who will operate the video camera on Christmas morning? Why can’t he be here to hang the wreaths on our windows? Why do we have to celebrate Christmas without him? Why? Why? Why???

And just when I get all wrapped up in having my pity party and feeling sorry for myself, I am reminded that it’s not about me. Christmas is not about me…..it’s about HIM! And just because my life and my circumstances have changed, Christmas has not changed. Christmas is still the day that we celebrate the birth of Christ…that has not changed. It’s not about me; it’s all about HIM! It’s the day that we remember that God sent His only son into this sinful world to be born of a virgin. It’s the day that we remember that through this babe, Jesus, we can have eternal life!

And then, I begin to realize how very selfish I have been. Trying to make this day about me, and not about Him. I am ashamed that I would dare to compare my sufferings to the sufferings that that tiny baby would grow up and endure. The pain and suffering that He would endure for me…so that I could have eternal life! That pain and suffering that He endured is what has made it possible for Greg to be in Heaven complete, and whole, and healed today! This Christmas, Greg will celebrate WITH the very CHRIST of Christmas! How cool is that???

And as I ponder these things, I realize that I have been wrong all along. Christmas really IS about me! And it’s about you! It is because of each of us, that there even is a Christmas. It was because of us and God’s great love for us that He sent his precious, only Son to this earth, knowing full well what was in store for that sweet boy of His. He sent Jesus because He loves ME! He sent Jesus because He loves YOU!! He sent Jesus to be our Savior, to be our Prince of Peace, to be our Lord of Lords and to be our King of Kings! That is some major love!! If it weren’t for us, there would be no need for a Savior, there would be no need for Christmas.

It will still be hard and there will still be tears, but I am thankful that He knows my heart and He understands. But as hard as it will be, I will choose to celebrate Christmas with joy! Because after all, it IS all about me!!!

Trusting His Plan,
Sandra, Katie, Emilie and Jacob

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mamaduck27
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:55:48

    Sandra, that was an arrow straight to my heart. I lost my Mom unexpectedly this past spring, and the loss has been an undercurrent to each holiday since. Thank you for giving me a new perspective. You have no idea what a blessing you are. Have a sweet Christmas, lovely.
    Love, Susanne Dickinson

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  2. kddmyers
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:59:40

    Beautifully spoken, Sandra. I really appreciate your perspective on Christmas. Thank you for reminding me to choose joy. It makes me think of the refrain… “oh tidings of comfort and joy”, which is exactly what our family has been praying for your family this Christmas and beyond.

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  3. Carrie Roberts
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 07:31:02

    Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing your heart.

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  4. Linda Sewell
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 09:10:07

    I remember the year my mother died. It was very hard to celebrate Christmas. Every thing reminded me of her and how much she loved Christmas. I remember that I did not expect as much out of myself that year and that helped. Please don’t push yourself too hard. Emotions all over the place are so normal. I appreciate your posts. Know that I am praying for you and the children. I am thankful that you are still finding joy in Jesus our Lord.

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  5. Claudia Voigt
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 10:09:13

    God is using you to inspire us all! Thank you!

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  6. Carole Peek
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 13:13:14

    In true Sandra style…you have put words to your pain and turned your pain in to inspiration! You are such a Godly woman! Greg is in Heaven bragging on you and telling others that you are truly walking the walk!! Thank you for your example!!

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  7. Teri
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 13:37:37

    What a wonderful thought and so thankful for our faith in That very Christ!!!!

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  8. Aunt Cricket
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 18:10:49

    Sandra the first is always the hardest. I love the way you write and would hope that one day you will put all of your story in a book that would surely help many others facing their similar circumstances. So look forward to seeing you and the family at Peggy’s.

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  9. Cherie Maurer
    Dec 13, 2013 @ 21:13:21

    Sandra, I’m so grateful for the perspective you give…a heavenly perspective. Things look very different from there…a whole lot better!!! Thank you for reminding all of us that joy is a choice!!! Love you much and always praying for you all!!!
    Cherie

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  10. Faye
    Dec 14, 2013 @ 09:22:16

    Grief touches our life continually as we realize how much we’ve lost. It’s like you have to pass through all the experiences where Greg left his precious and sometimes maddening mark on them. God understands your heart and pain, Sandra. I’m sure he is understanding and even grieving with you. But I’m pretty sure you know that deep down. Thanks for reminding us that your new journey of life continues and we still need to lift your life and the life of the kids up in prayer.

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